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The To-Do List for 2015

This is a flashback to a piece I wrote last year, when it was announced Power Laces were being developed: We're only six months away society! Hurry up dammit!

       So Power Laces are gonna be a thing! And they’re gonna be a thing next year! That’s good of you Nike, great job but it may be a little late. The rest of the world is still frightfully behind.
       In case you’re under the impression I have some kind of inside knowledge of the inner workings of the international footwear industry, you’d be right but that’s not important. What is important is that Nike is putting us one step (get it!) closer to the excellent world of the future depicted in Back to the Future Part II.  Robert Zemeckis’ 1989 sequel to the greatest time travel movie of all time saw Marty McFly and Doc Brown travel to the futuristic world of 2015. One of the features of that no doubt shining era in human achievement was power laces on shoes that tightened on their own to accommodate one’s foot size. These Jetsons-esque shoes are now coming in time for 2015 according to Nike designer Tinker Hatfield. And while this is exciting, we still have a ways to go to meet the ultimatum set 25 years ago. What exactly do we need?

1.       Flying cars: Just about every science fiction film, TV show, story, song, video game, comic book, soft drink, laundry detergent, etc. that portrays the future has shown hover cars. And everyone’s been asking for them ever since. Get going science!
2.       Weather service: Who doesn’t want regulated rain and snow? Sure there will probably be environmental damage but isn’t it worth it for a set amount of snow per day?
3.       Rejuvenation clinics: Do you want to look young again? Well plastic surgery sucks! What you need is a complete face overhaul!
4.       Fashion: Power jackets that shrink to accommodate, dry themselves, and have a robotic voice provided by Stephen Hawking, inside-out jeans, colourful hats, businessmen wear two neckties, and whatever the Doc was wearing (some mix of a rain jacket and a second-hand ‘90s pop video outfit). These we don’t entirely need to develop, just as a society, decide to start wearing so that in a year, we’ll all look slightly stranger than we do now.
5.       Binoculars that look like cassette tapes: That design should at least come back in some form.
6.       Nostalgia cafes to the ‘80s: Don’t you miss the ‘80s? I miss the ‘80s and I never even knew the ‘80s!
7.       The abolition of lawyers: The abolition of lawyers! Who in the world could disagree??
8.       15 more Jaws movies: Admittedly there’s aparently an internet campaign working towards this so that’s not bad, but the 19th installment needs to be in cinemas. Alternatively, we should just classify 15 shark B-movies as Jaws movies.
9.       Holographic political ads: They’d be fun! It’d be great seeing political parties lambasted in hologram form.
10.    “Zipheads”: Is a term we have to adopt. Start using it in place of meth-head. It sounds cooler.
11.   Televisions: On our windows and with multiple channel viewing at once. It’s a lazy man’s dream! Frankly given how much products have catered to the lazy in the past decade, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened yet.
12.   Loss-of-Job Security: Ever been fired but disappointed your family doesn’t know the same time as you? This is a problem 2015 won’t have!
13.   And of course, hoverboards: HOVERBOARDS PEOPLE! Guaranteed to be the best-selling item of all time! Someone should have started working on this the moment the movie came out. 25 years later and we’re still waiting. We have one year, just one year to make this and all of these things happen!

After all for future generations, we don’t want to make people from the ‘80s look like idiots!

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